-Debate moderator Martha Raddatz is replaced at the last minute by nun with large wooden ruler. Both Catholic candidates promise to follow agreed time constraints or at least go to confession.
-Before debate, each candidate signs promise to understand two minutes as more a measure of time than a theoretical construct with no practical bearing on the articulation of an idea and or concept. 121 seconds into the debate the promise is broken. Thankfully, time keeper is former cable installation and repairman. The audience adjusts accordingly.
-Paul Ryan admits that not only will he fire Big Bird, he’ll also imprison Elmo. Both candidates find common ground in the basic terms of Elmo’s imprisonment.
-On several occasions, Mitt Romney interrupts Ryan, Biden, Moderator, and commercial breaks to clarify why he interrupted Jim Lehrer. Lehrer’s post debate analysis is held in secret cave to prevent interference.
-MSNBC forces Chris Matthews to take pre debate nap to prevent repeat tantrum. Plan backfires as rested Matthews becomes enraged at Biden’s refusal to buy him cotton candy.
-Keith Olbermann spends most of debate tweeting angry rebuttals to complete strangers regarding the infield fly rule.
-Jesus holds press conference immediately following debate to clarify that he has not yet officially thrown his support behind any of the candidates. Cable news networks cut away from press conference as Jesus enters into long parable concerning grace, love, and repentance.
-Here Comes Honey Boo Boo unites the country as millions watch, judge, and complain about the sad shape of television. Because “I can’t believe people actually watch this. I mean look at that! This episode is even worse than last week’s and the week before and the week before that!”
-Underground consortium of rich people gather post debate to implement 234th step of super secret world dominance plan.
-Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse continue preparations for big day.
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